I want to go to the bathroom

By | April 1, 2016

I have a very dear friend who lives in one of the quaintest and most lovingly restored Federation homes you could imagine. It is a tiny inner city semidetached cottage with a lovely tessellated tile pathway and front porch. A few terracotta tubs with topiary trees completes the welcoming entrance and the rest of the house doesn’t disappoint. Sydney is justifiably proud of her charming home. She escorts all her many visitors to every room as she recounts the arduous planning, the careful attention to detail and the hard work performed by a dedicated team of elite tradesmen. The funny thing is, I never got to see the bathroom when I visited. Every time I said I needed to use the bathroom I was herded through the back door to the outdoor privy. As privies go it was very nice. There was an archway which was engulfed in a climbing white rose and some very pretty pansies in a terracotta pot. There was even a signpost which coily stated “Here ‘tis” for those who didn’t know an outdoor loo when they saw one.

I began to obsess about the secret bathroom. I began to imagine all sorts of horrors. Sydney’s house looked very similar to one I’d seen in crime scene photos at the police museum. What if a notorious serial killer had once performed dastardly deeds in the bathroom of this innocuous little home? What if indelible blood stains marked the walls and floor? What if the bathroom was haunted?

Finally I managed to summon up enough courage to broach the subject of the mystery bathroom over lunch one Sunday morning.

“Oh” says Sydney. “It’s just that I haven’t yet found the right company to do the bathroom renovations”.  Well that was a letdown. I was expecting something far more dramatic.

So we got to discussing in depth how she had been stymied in the quest for the perfect traditional bathroom. Sydney had obtained quotes galore. She had pored over a mountain of catalogues, she had visited so many showrooms her head was in a whirl. “You’re doing this all wrong” I told her firmly. “Exactly what do you want”?

“A traditional bathroom” she replied. “A beautiful and unique, one of a kind, totally memorable bathroom. I want the best bathroom in Sydney”.

“You need to do some research” I said. You need to ask the question “who does the best bathroom renovations Sydney has to offer?”

She did invite me back eventually when she got over being huffy about the “research” comment. I got to use the newly renovated bathroom. It was just about the most charmingly elegant bathroom I had ever seen. Warm and inviting with tessellated tiles and heritage fittings from the lamps to the loo. There was even a stained glass window and matching shower screen. When I saw that I cried out in amazement “Sydney! Now that’s the best ever traditional bathroom renovation Coogee has seen!”